Reader seeks advice on family finances

A retired couple in Michigan has asked Dear Abby for guidance on how to handle ongoing financial expectations from their adult children.

The reader, identified as Money Mama, describes a marriage of 30 years in which both partners were previously widowed. They have grown children and many grandchildren. For three decades, the couple funded cars, college tuition, weddings, meals, shopping trips, and vacations for their family members.

The couple is now retired and can no longer afford to cover these costs. Money Mama notes that no family member offers to pay for anything when dining with the couple. The couple has decided to skip some family activities to live within their adjusted means. They feel their children do not realize the couple is no longer obligated to pay for everything.

Money Mama also points out a disparity in holiday greetings. She states that only one of the seven grown children sends a card for special days such as birthdays or Mother’s Day. At Christmas, the couple sends a card and a check to all children. The one child who sends a return card includes a gift card. The other five children rarely send a thank you note. Most grandchildren also do not acknowledge their birthday cards and checks.

The reader asks if she should stop sending anything to anyone and pretend not to see the bill at restaurants. Her husband views these expenditures as giving away their inheritance early. Both spouses describe themselves as generous but feel taken advantage of by the people they love.

The column responds to the reader as Mama. It states that the children’s manners are poor and that their laziness appears to have passed to the next generation. However, the response notes that some blame lies with the couple for not having a family conference at the time of retirement. The column suggests the children should not be fully blamed for assuming nothing changed. It advises the couple to schedule that overdue conversation as soon as possible. The response encourages the couple to mention how it makes them feel when their gifts are not acknowledged.

A second letter in the column asks if it is rude to tell a stranger or customer their zipper is down. The reader, identified as Just Trying to Help, asked colleagues who all said they would want to be told. The reader did this twice with customers last week. Both appreciated it, and one called the reader his new best friend. The reader asks what is proper or if they should zip it.

The response states that delivering the message subtly or privately is a favor. It compares this to telling someone they have toilet paper on their shoe, lipstick on their teeth, or need to wipe their nose again. The column classifies this action as a kindness.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren. Jeanne Phillips penned the column for nearly four decades. Pauline Phillips founded the column in 1956. Readers can contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 270135 in Kansas City, Missouri.