The Reformer: A satirical newspaper launches with Nigel Farage as sole editor

Seven or eight nobodies whose names escape me, according to editor-in-chief Nigel Farage, will comprise the staff of The Reformer. The new newspaper launched with a masthead that positions itself as a trustworthy alternative for readers tired of mainstream narratives. It promises a return to the 1950s, offering stories that other outlets allegedly overlook. The paper is free to all patriots and those who find a copy on the bus floor.

The publication is structured entirely around one figure. Farage serves as the editor-in-chief, agriculture editor, home affairs editor, consumer affairs editor, features editor, football editor, agony uncle, competitions’ editor, literary editor, transport editor, and media editor. He also compiled the cryptic crossword. The only other person named in the staff introduction is Richard Tice, described as Farage’s valet who was sent to buy champagne.

The front page features a message from the editor describing the current era as dangerous. Farage cites the high probability of encountering an immigrant at a supermarket checkout queue. He promises that if readers are not fully satisfied within the first 100 days, he will sack the entire team he has already forgotten.

The agriculture section reports on a summer harvest failure. A leaked report from a source named Nigel attributes the crop loss to migrants bringing hot weather to the UK in small boats. Farage dismisses climate change as a hoax perpetuated by left-wing politicians. He argues that British summers were cooler when fewer black or brown faces were visible.

The home affairs section details a survey of two families. It reports that white residents prefer living next to other white people. Trevor Bloke, one of the surveyed individuals, complained about his neighbor, Zia Yusuf. Bloke stated that his anxiety required maximum Pip payments, preventing him from working. He described Yusuf as deeply unpleasant and rude.

In the consumer affairs section, Farage addresses how to spot a Nigerian scammer. He suggests visiting the House of Commons to find the criminal mastermind, referring to a woman named Kemi who leads the opposition. The column notes that deep down, every black person wants to try to scam a bank account, especially after receiving a £5 million gift from a Thai-based billionaire.

The interview of the month features Farage questioning himself. Set in late afternoon, the piece describes sunlight dancing off his chiselled cheekbones. He is preparing his first speech as prime minister after polling well in third place. The interviewer asks him to explain why God sent him to save Great Britain and to discuss his by-election victory against a comedian with a bin on his head.

The football section celebrates Harry Kane winning the Ballon d’Or in London. Farage, identified as Kane’s best friend, claims the award proves Brexit’s success. He argues that Kane might have played for Bayern Munich under freedom of movement, remaining an unknown. Kane is said to owe his success entirely to Farage.

The readers’ champion column features a letter from Isabel Oakeshott in Dubai. She details a disastrous honeymoon involving premium economy seats and lost luggage from British Airways. Her husband, Thicky Dicky, yelled at the airline staff. Farage replied that he would create a Cameo video demanding the sacking of every foreign-looking baggage handler at Heathrow for a fee of £80.

The final sections include a competition for the month’s racist, offering Tommy Robinson and Raheem Kassam as options for a 0800 number call. The book of the month is My Struggle, a memoir by Farage about his antisemitic remarks at school. The transport section advises avoiding the M6 north of Birmingham due to too many foreigners driving. The media editor lists GB News as the top TV recommendation.